Dealing with Leeches
WE GET dump truck loads of fan mail everyday. No, seriously. The road that leads to our office is littered with the remains of postmen, crumbled and crushed under the burden of their sacks. This of course, has created some major parking issues but anyway. After going through the vast treasure of feedback and enquiries, we have found one question that recurred time and again. What do you do with employees who draw astronomical salaries but do little to help productivity along (except to give it a smile and a wink as it passes their table)?
First of all, let's make sure this does not turn into a witch-hunt or a court martial. We urge you to put away any burning stakes you might have inadvertently erected in the reception or lobby downstairs. The sort of people we refer to here are what we call organisational parasites. They are leeches that suck the blood from an organisation's system, lowering morale and creating a gaping hole in the company's finances and the cost-benefit ratio. How do you define an organisational parasite? An organisational parasite is someone that:
Has three lunch breaks interspersed with four coffee and five cigarette breaks and then goes home early
Says `fabulous, just what I was thinking' to everything the boss says regardless of whether it is a plan to sell imported perfume in Baluchistan or market freshly-made iced-tea in Iceland
Has a fancy title like senior manager in charge of such-and-such
(in our case head-of-department-in-charge-of-clearing-away-bodies-of-grievously-injured-postal-workers)
Goes `hrmmph, okay' at every document that demands his attention, even if it is the battle plan of the 1224 AD invasion of Korea
Earns a salary second only to the department head
Spends his time reading inane articles on organisational parasites
Contrary to what you may think, it is not easy being an organisational parasite. You need loads of gumption to interject the correct vocal sounds of approval/disapproval at the appropriate time. You need to have well-muscled thumbs to withstand all that twiddling all day long. You must also have a storehouse of ingenious excuses for why you couldn't do this or that (arbitrary abductions by beautiful Amazonian women searching for an alpha male is an eternal favourite). An organisational parasite must also be blessed with astoundingly expressive facial features. It takes a lot of practice to get the right look of chronic constipation when actual work seems to be coming your way.
Riddled with difficulties as it is, an organisational parasite's life does have its plus points. There is much dignity and honour in the challenging task of sitting by and watching other people do all the work. And then when they go home, they have that warm, mushy feeling inside which indicates that the twenty cups of coffee they consumed throughout the day are desperately begging for an outlet.
As valuable as their contribution is to society and civilisation, unfortunate circumstances arise when they are compelled, with tears streaming down their visages, to realise that there are one too many of them in your office. What do you do then? Do you, with great reluctance, tell them that the company is forced to part with their services so other firms get a chance too? Do you, after a fond embrace, a slap and a tickle, inform them that they have just been picked to oversee the new warm undergarment manufacturing plant in Morocco? Nay, my friend, nay. This calls for subtlety and diplomacy, not crude hooliganism.
This is what you say:
You're fired!: Follow this with a hearty bellow or a guffaw. Then thump him on the back and show him the door.
Pull up your socks or else: Make sure you have three leather-clad professional wrestlers backing you up for effect.
If this sounds too harsh, there is always the stickier alternative - you could try to reform him. However, we strongly advise against it. It hardly ever works, and nine times out of ten, causes a mildly malignant abscess in the brain of the well-intentioned reformer. The converse is also sometimes true. The only people who would try and reform a hardcore parasite are those who are already blessed with mildly malignant brain abscesses.
So, the next time you come across an employee who draws an astronomical salary but does little to help productivity (except the smile and wink routine mentioned in detail above), you know what to do.
ARJUN SENGUPTA
arjuns.hyd@cnkonline.com
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