On the rocks

Marriages today are not what they were a few years ago. The factors that threaten this lifetime bond may be trivial, but they cannot be taken for granted, writes DR. VIJAY NAGASWAMI.

IT is a fact of contemporary life that the institution of marriage is currently facing its most severe and even frightening test, having to bear, among other stresses, the unenviable burden of buttressing the emotional consequences of the social transition from the joint family to the nuclear family. Gone seem to be the days when a man and a woman, cheerfully (or oftentimes, cheerlessly) plodded their ways through anniversary after anniversary of cohabitation, the perpetuity of their relationship being almost fatalistically taken for granted. The constant lament of the older generation of urban Indians when faced with their children's mercurial responses to marital difficulties, is that the latter seem to have lost their basic values and point a collective finger at building relationships around the evanescent emotion of "love."

While it is true that India has a long and deeply-entrenched process of mate-seeking behaviour - the arranged marriage, the apparent differences in terms of underlying dynamics between this and the contemporary do-it-yourself alternative (the "love marriage") is indeed marginal, particularly to the eye of the discerning observer. This is largely because the mechanisms of man-woman relationships are essentially similar. Once the honeymoon is over, most Indians, regardless of whether theirs was an arranged or a love marriage, end up experiencing essentially similar difficulties that they are hardpressed to resolve. And this, the elders argue, is because of the extraordinary burden young people tend to place on their marriages.

In a sense this is true. Changing socio-cultural norms, nuclearisation of family structures, newly emerging mate-seeking behaviours, self-empowerment of hitherto suppressed women, and a gradual though perceptible enhancement in male sensitivity, have together resulted in our having much higher expectations of our marriages today than did our parents or their parents before them. But, is this unreasonable?

Frankly, no. It is only fair to expect that, as the human race grows, our levels of awareness and sensitivity will progressively be heightened. But this does not happen magically. There is an unseen process operating within us, with which we handle the feeling of alienation that we experience. As we feel more and more alienated, we tend to cling on to the relationship that offers the greatest potential to "stay in touch" with ourselves and experience the entire gamut of emotions ranging from love to fear. The only way we can come to terms with the vulnerability we experience is by sharing it with someone we can trust. We have an intrinsic need to love and be loved in an ambience of secure intimacy. And the only relationship we can really turn to is marriage. In the bargain, we expect our spouses to make good all the deficiencies of the imperfect parenting we have been subject to from imperfect parents who were themselves at the receiving end of imperfect parenting from their own imperfect parents and so on. And so we fight. The reasons for our fights appear trivial, but they really reflect the unconscious conflicts we are not yet in touch with. And the only hope we have of ever getting in touch with these is by increasing the emotional investment in our marital relationships. But since we are not really quite sure how to do this, we withdraw from each other to lead parallel lives, oftentimes the children being the only tangible link between us.

As any marital therapist will tell you, fights are healthy. They are a sign of engagement between the couple, a sign that the man and the woman are still trying to relate to each other. However, fights can become destructive when they become the only mode of communication between spouses, and this happens largely because neither recognises the unconscious factors driving them. And sooner or later, we start planning and seeking legal redress for a resolvable inter-personal problem. Or we carry on "for the sake of the children". But deep down, we are still clueless as to the precise nature of the problem, owing to the widespread belief that seeking help is unnecessary. ("A man and a woman should be able to solve their problems on their own"), useless ("How can an outsider tell us what we don't know about ourselves?") or socially embarrassing ("How can we possibly share all these intimate details with a stranger?") It's only the wide prevalence of an active cultural bias against divorce which has ensured that, even if riddled with unresolved conflicts, most marriages last the distance.

Fortunately, the scenario in contemporary urban India is slowly changing, as indirectly evidenced by the column space being devoted to issues pertaining to the man-woman relationship in the popular press, and the seriousness being accorded to the counsellors and marital therapists providing one-on-one interventions in the metropoles and larger cites, are beginning to make their presence increasingly felt. It appears that, as a nation, we are more ready today than ever, to seriously address the issues facing our marriages, thereby keeping at bay, the ever increasing threat posed by divorce, which is no longer anathema in urban India.

The most fashionable statistic to cite, when talking about marriage is that one out of every two marriage in the United States ends in divorce, as if this legitimises the sounding of the death-knell of the institution of marriage. What most people conveniently choose to overlook is that, despite this appalling statistic, the incidence of marriage and indeed, of remarriage, has remained stable. In other words, even if people are getting divorced, they still get married again. And yet again, if the second one too fails, thereby making it clear that even if individual marriages seem to be less enduring than before, the institution of marriage is not going to be easily brushed aside.

There is a fundamental explanation for this: We are the products of two genders. As a result, we have aspects of both genders within our psyche, regardless of which gender predominates in us, biologically or emotionally. The Yin and the Yang. Or, anima and animus, as the Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, described this. And for our identities to be integrated, there needs to be a state of harmony between the man and the woman that resides in each of us. And the only way this can be achieved is by having a sensitive, nurturing and intimate relationship with a person of the opposite gender or one in whom the characteristics of the opposite gender predominate (as for instance in gay relationships). And for as long as this need exists, we will continue to seek mates and intimacy. We will pursue love in order that we be loved. And we will fight with each other and wonder whether or not we should have got married in the first place.

I think we can do better. Today, marriage counsellors have a clearer understanding of the dynamics of marital relationships and their interventions go far beyond merely negotiating a compromise settlement between two warring individuals. And there is much more material available in the "self improvement" sections of book stores that throw light on the dynamics of marriage. What we need to do is to make an attitude shift and utilise the resources available in our environment, with a little more sensitivity and wisdom. We need to redefine our orientation to marriage. Marriage can no longer be seen only as a vehicle for procreation and recreation, or as a buffer against social stress. It needs to be defined as a tool with which we can understand ourselves better; a blender of our yin and yang. It needs to be the centrepiece of our lives, and not just a pleasant add-on. Also we need to seriously consider discussing our marriages more freely, preferably with someone who has undergone formal training in this area. And if we are to do this, the sooner we start, the better. No counsellor, however experienced, can make meaningful contributions if we seek intervention only as a last resort, just prior to filing divorce papers ("We even tried counseling; nothing worked!").

Let me understate the situation. Marriage is not easy. It needs to be worked on. But when you get it right, it can be a wonderfully exalting experience. For this to happen, demands will have to be made on our time, energies, commitment and effort. As one who has worked hard on his marriage, I know that the final outcome more than justifies the hurdles on the way. And as one who has worked closely with many marriages, I am convinced that the institution of marriage is no more endangered than is the human race.

The writer is a Chennai-based psychiatrist and individual/ marital psychotherapist, who has worked closely with individuals and families for over 16 years. He can be contacted at vnagaswami@vsnl.com

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