Tantalising time

ANURADHA K. RAJIVAN

There comes a time for most girls when they discover that society considers them less equal. If it has not already happened by the time a girl is 12, it happens soon after. When a girl is as talented or incompetent, as good or as bad as any boy, it is hard to start to cope with the pressure of being less than equal. Having to start hiding matters, to pretend that certain biological developments do not exist can be puzzling and difficult. Often society does it "in their own interest." How do young girls cope with the realisation that hereafter they are going to be treated 'differently' which in most cases is to their disadvantage?

Around adolescence, physical and mental changes take place for both boys and girls. It is an explosive age when hormones are raging. A generation ago, changes in females were supposed to be hidden "for their own good." As girls start to grow into women, more and more parts of their experiences went 'underground.' Girls could not discuss routine, natural biological processes like menstrual periods and breasts. But shaving and gruff voices were acceptable topics of conversation. The body suddenly became a problem. The friendly, neighbourhood uncle could made you feel uncomfortable because of his unwanted touching. A walk to the nearby vegetable shop to buy some tomatoes for Amma turned into an extra alert, war-zone type minefield where older men could turn out to be the dangerous explosives. Young girls learnt about a world of menace and adult male aggression.

They lived in fear of stains showing. They were forced to cope with no toilets or very bad toilets because the "decision-makers" never realised the need to change pads. And none of this could be discussed at home. Parents just expected their daughters to manage somehow. Hushed conversations with other girls, secret back street chats were sources of half-information, coping strategies and support. Those with a sister were lucky. Cases of sexual harassment were downplayed as eve-teasing. You just had to shut up and put up with it. It was common for the victim to be turned into the accused - she dresses like 'that,' what can you expect? Movies added to the stereotyping. The conditioning ensured near complete silence which suited everyone. Young girls hardly understood what was happening to themselves. And teenage boys rarely understood what was happening to the girls in their age group. Had they done so, it might have prevented many of them from taking to aggression later in life or, better still, helped in preventing it.

Today, while many things remain the same, many things have also changed. Parents are much more open about adolescent issues and problems. They are often ready to discuss things freely. If you feel inhibited with a parent, talk to a friend's mother or another adult whom you can trust. Newspapers, magazines and TV carry features on growing up. There is much greater interaction among girls and boys which helps each to understand the mindsets of the other. In schools more and more girls are asking for better toilet facilities. Sexual harassment is also much more openly discussed. While most girls are still taken by surprise and are unable to react in their first unasked for sexual encounter, more of them are better able to cope with it. Discussing with a teacher, a parent or an aunt helps, as these adults are themselves of the next generation who are less likely to pretend that nothing had happened. The next step is to learn about some precautions for the future.

Here are ten self-help tips for girls:

- A casual touch may be a first move to assess your level of understanding or permissiveness. Beware of prolonged handshakes or pats. Not registering a clear protest will be interpreted as willingness for more.

- Birthday cards and gifts may seem normal. But if you feel inclined to hide them from your parents, it is an alert signal: you are probably able to sense something funny. Show them to your parents. Be wary of expensive presents.

- Offer of a ride is rarely altruistic. It provides an opportunity to get physically close. Ask yourself why old women rarely get lifts on bikes or in cars.

- E mails from unknown net 'friends' with messages like 'I miss you' (how could you when you have never met?), 'when can we meet?' (generally an offer to meet alone) show that the sender is testing the waters. Pornographic mail should be immediately deleted with a return message that the address is being blocked.

- Standard questions like 'why didn't you come to the club/pool/court yesterday?' or "what do you do on weekends?" reveal a practised hand. Rather than saying that life is boring or you're not sure, it is a good idea to say that you are busy with studies, tests or homework, are visiting relatives or are looking forward to a favourite TV programme at home. A 'dull' response will scotch any unwanted attempts at invitations.

- Elderly men trying to be youthful can be dangerous: "You can call me Ashok." It is safer to stick to 'uncle Ashok.'

- Comments about your height or how fast you are growing are OK. But be aware that they could turn into remarks about other physical traits. Do not hesitate to say "none of your business" or "is there a reason why are you interested/bothered/concerned?"

- Bets are tricks - to make you do something you would not otherwise do! Beware of things like, "You don't trust me enough, do you? I bet you won't pull up your shirt" or "Let's take a bet - ten rupees if you agree to come to the coffee shop."

- Reading your palm - that's another old trick to hold and caress female hands! If you don't want your hand caressed, don't offer it for amateur reading.

- Finally, identify, analyse and respect your own feelings. If something makes you uncomfortable, don't blame yourself - your mind is alerting you. Talk to an adult you trust. Talk to a friend. Write it down. Do not hide, even if someone says "let's keep this just between us." That way help will be at hand when you need it. You would also have built up a case if things get out of hand later.

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