Thoughts for grey years

SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY is considered auspicious particularly in the Hindu tradition because on this day, all the celestial bodies are said to align in exactly the same way they were during the birth of the individual concerned. By then, the person is a patriarch, so the entire family gathers for a propitiation ceremony seeking blessings for continued good health and prosperity. There is a re-enactment of the wedding as well.

I celebrated mine basking in the love of my children's families at a picnic lunch by the lake in a State forest near Boston last July. There was no ceremony to mark the occasion, except for a simple pooja at a temple, where we offered the deity a bouquet of roses from the florist rather than a garland.

I returned to Chennai soon after to join the esteemed legion of morning walkers at the nearby park - the retired people who go for long, leisurely walks at the crack of dawn with walking sticks to fend off stray dogs. I have made friends with some of them.

Old age gives us a wealth of experience. Richer the experience greater is the tendency to talk about the so-called "achievements" in life. Some members of the group revel in sharing their past with others. They are always on the lookout for a patient listener. People who were once occupying the top position are the worst sufferers. They search in vain for persons of their standing, as their ego will not allow them to mingle with the "lesser" ones. Such people are not flexible and refuse to acknowledge the changing circumstances. The only one to give them company till the end is the spouse, who has no other alternative.

Though I am happy to see that my children are well settled, it is impossible not to miss them. Old parents who live with their children do not seem to appreciate their good fortune. They refuse to think for a second the multiplicity of problems their children have to face in their day-to-day life in the present competitive world. Psychologists say that while the previous generations only went through a mid-life crisis, the present one goes through a quarter-life crisis as well.

Higher the position, more intricate are the problems.

Children usually do not wish to burden parents with their problems as they may start worrying. Moreover, they know that their elders cannot offer a solution suitable to the times.

Instead of appreciating these sentiments, parents feel offended that their children do not confide in them. I have seen people who try to show their superiority in front of visitors, friends, relatives and even servants, by complaining about their sons and daughters. Under such circumstances, children are forced to live separately or admit their parents in old age homes. There too they continue to torment the staff refusing to adapt to the situation. At this point of time, they also try to impress upon their sons and daughters, the sacrifices they made and the hardships they underwent for their children to be well-placed in life. It sounds very business-like, if parents expect anything in return. On the contrary, they should be feel proud about their children's success. Yet, inspite of the ill-feelings, most parents continue to advice, suggest and scold their children as they cannot see them suffering in any way. And children should respect these legitimate concerns.

There is no such thing as a generation gap between parents and children, there can only be a communication gap which can be easily bridged. The Sastras say, the old should go to the forests and spend time in contemplation. However, there are no forests left, if we are lucky there may be a little green park nearby. In any case the Vanaprasthashram is a higher state of mind, where we relinquish wordly desires and try to live in harmony and think of the welfare of the society. It is a lofty goal to aspire. But definitely makes for more pleasant conversations during the morning walks.

A.VENKATARAMAN

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