Victim of stereotype?

They are educated and sensitive, but are facing the hostility of the traditional stereotype. VISA RAVINDRAN examines the dilemma of today's mothers-in-law.

"Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently."

- Chinese proverb.

Camellia Punjabi, a well-known member in the Indian hospitality industry, presently writing about Indian cuisine, which she provides in London, along with her sister, writes that a British friend once remarked that Indian restaurants are "where you take your mother-in-law but not your banker." It became her immediate concern to turn her experience and interest to prove otherwise.

The writer's present quest is not culinary at all but proving the other aspect wrong - the mother-in-law, who is perhaps one of the most maligned relatives in concept and practice, does not deserve to be at the other end of the scale from the banker.

Surely there is a change in mothers-in-law too just as everywhere else in society, but literature and the media rarely reflect it, say some mothers of married sons. They emphasise the fact that these totally harsh portrayals reinforce the stereotype constantly, making a bride enter her new home with fear and trepidation, if not a negative attitude. The bad daughter-in-law is also a stereotype, I can hear many say, but it is some very unhappy mothers-in-law who pointed out that the media is portraying black and white characters, that are conditioning the thinking of young girls, their mothers and grandmothers (no male relatives were mentioned) so deeply that they are not thinking for themselves in keeping family relationships intact by practising the habits of tolerance and understanding that they would in other close relationships.

Saroja Gopal, who has two married sons living with her, was troubled not so much by differences as the refusal to communicate and understand. She herself was a working woman, who looked after her mother-in-law and her education and experience at home and outside, have sensitised her to the importance of allowing younger women in the family their space. She is quick to point out that hers was, and is, a happy family without major differences but certain areas - leisure, budgeting, upbringing of children, managing the home - sometimes cause minor friction, which could be avoided.

Particularly the expectation from family members that the mother- in-law will run the house forever, gives her a feeling of being taken for granted, her age and fatigue not receiving due consideration.

Rukmini is quick to agree. Her only son, daughter-in-law and grandchild live with her and even though she has converted the first floor into a self-contained apartment, they show no signs of moving there completely.

As a result, apart from running a common kitchen, she has the additional responsibility of supervising another set of maids who clean the other floor. "Who wants to cook when there is one donkey to do all the work?" she asks, fed-up but not really angry. It is her health that suffers and her outdoor activities, which give her real satisfaction, are being curtailed, leaving her frustrated.

Building a house, educating children and buying a few pieces of jewellery were the main objectives we wanted to realise in our lives, says Saroja, but today not only are salaries bigger, ambitions too are keeping pace with the rising incomes.

"When I go for a walk early in the morning, I see at least 20 children with cricket kits, clinging to their fathers' backs, to attend coaching classes. I'm not sure they're even fully awake. Tuitions for children, whether they need it or not, and a cramming of opportunities to shine in music, dance, painting or whatever, whether the child shows aptitude or not, fill the child's day. With most mothers working, often it is the grandparents who have to ferry them to and from one class or the other.

"Travel in our days was to visit a temple or attend a family wedding but now more exotic versions at more frequent intervals are de rigueur and a big chunk of money goes into travel, entertainment, eating out or ordering in", she says and adds that this extravagance frightens those seniors whose pensions do not go far while others are irritated by the waste but unable to do anything about it.

It is a different mode of life but the mother-in-law, anxious to avoid open fiction, trying to accommodate other points of view, is always the one to compromise.

She is pushed from both sides - the younger members do not act with enough responsibility and their husbands - the fathers-in- law - urge them to `manage'.

Birthday parties, return gifts, junk food, outings, constant thrills without the ability to settle down and do things on one's own, get modern children more easily bored than those of a decade ago, despite having a lot more by way of diversions but often the very choice spoilt them, feels Gowri. "In our days we were brought up to obey and accept the mother-in-law's word without questions. But now, as we grow old, I sometimes feel we get no consideration at all. It is the small things that cause friction. If they tell me they are going to eat out, I need not waste food. If they tell me where they are going or when they'll be back, I need not be embarrassed when a caller asks me when they are likely to be back."

All the women agreed that in times of crises, the joint family is wonderful.

The underlying affection and sentiment take over and members are supportive of each other but the consideration and help do not extend to normal times.

Most mothers-in-law felt that spending more time talking to each other and being open would go a long way in establishing better relations as would sharing the responsibility of running the house - not just cooking but other chores like marketing, which increase with members with different food habits or even informing people when the last of the coffee or the sugar are gone.

The picture that emerged was the sad one of tired women trying to maintain harmony, hurt by the unchangingly cruel mother-in-law of TV serials mocking their real efforts at making a difficult relationship work well.

This is not to condemn all daughters-in-law without giving them a chance to speak but to reflect the dilemma of the modern mother- in-law, educated, sensitive and trying to be different but facing the accumulated hostility of the traditional stereotype that is the butt of jokes and caricature or the cruel obstacle to family happiness.

Or just the misunderstood head of the household refusing to part with the keys (another exaggerated media symbol).

Returning to the other culinary metaphor at the start - the Chinese proverb - perhaps if the gentle cooking of small fish represents effective familial governance, more shared fishing expeditions would bring members together!

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