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Giving them the choice
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It was a swayamvaram with a difference. BharatMatrimony.com's recent programme attempted to bring "off-line people together" with its on-line customers. Goutam Ghosh visits the scene and writes...
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Forging bonds, the web way.
IF MARRIAGE did not matter, there wouldn't have been 183 brides and grooms along with their keen parents or relations offering to be present for a re-defined "swayamvaram" at the obscurely located Annai Kiliambal Thirumana Mandapam in Kodambakkam. That some never turned up and that not all parents came with their prospective sons and daughters in tow is another matter. But most of them did.
A confirmed bachelor or spinster would probably try to convince you of the futility of matrimony: the transgression of one's space (for personal idiosyncrasies and the need for freedom), the irritating relatives who must be tolerated for matrimonial harmony, and other forceful issues. But what matters is the overall trend and not the statistical outliers (exceptions, in other words), which shows emphatically that marriage matters. Most men and women look forward to being married, and suffer emotional stress when they do not find a partner. The crisis deepens as age progresses till they realise that they just can't get married.
Even die-hard bachelors and spinsters, after holding aloft the victory banner for years, realise that there will be none to look after them when the spring in their stride is gone. And probably worse. But they insist that the benefits of remaining unhitched (no exasperating spouse to live with and probably no disgraceful children to be left as a legacy) far exceed the costs of remaining single.
Whatever be the stand that antagonists may take, there is no denying that matrimony has proved to be a resilient system that has thrived for ages. As Dr. Vijay Nagaswami states in his book, ``The most fashionable statistic to cite, when one talks of marriage, is that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce. Nonetheless, the incidence of marriage has remained stable. Even divorced persons want to get married again. Divorce rates cannot be held up as the death knell of the institution of marriage....'' (Courtship & Marriage: A Guide for Indian Couples)
Anant, a 46-year-old divorcee with a son, was there at the marriage hall looking for a bride. He said, ``I want to get married because I need someone for company who can also look after my son. I don't have any preference for caste, religion. I am willing to accept even an unencumbered divorcee.'' Fine, but what if she conceives after marriage? ``That cannot happen,'' he insisted. He could have employed a full-time maid to offer the services he needed, but he needed a wife. His demands seemed irrational but he is free to state his needs.
Moments of anxiety...at the swayamwara.
Anant discussed his needs with some brides, most of them well past their prime, and at the end of the day, he sounded optimistic but looked tired as he waited for an auto to take him back to his hotel.
The sessions — the one at 3 p.m. and the other at 6 p.m. — were split between participating brides, grooms and their parents based on caste.
There was confusion as the identification numbers of the brides and grooms were announced for the parents to get together. The lack of space was telling because there were many who were slotted for the 6 p.m. session but came in nevertheless to avoid travelling during an inauspicious period. The parents of brides hunted for the grooms they wanted to meet, and then for some place to sit and discuss — hopefully away from television sun lamps, popping flash guns and curious media persons.
The parents of prospective brides and grooms were exasperated but only a few left without getting what they had come for.
``It is swayamvaram with a difference. Unlike in mythology, where the woman chose her husband, here even a groom gets to exercise his choice. Obviously, the marriage is finalised by the parents later. This is the first event of its kind that is being held simultaneously in Bangalore, Hyderabad and Mumbai. We wanted to bring off-line people together with our on-line customers,'' said Mr. S. Suresh, Business Development Manager, BharatMatrimony.com. ``In the last three years, 500 couples have got married based on information offered by our portal, which has a database of 81,000 eligible brides and grooms from all over the world. We also have portals for linguistic groups,'' he said.
The idea, therefore, has been to promote the portal among off-line customers, hoping that more will visit their Internet sites and register as members. The free registration facility means that they cannot contact anyone in the database, but paying subscribers to this service can get back to them.
One important observation made by Mr. Suresh was, ``The prospective bride or the groom will have to check the background of the person in whom they are interested. We do not offer any verification service or background checks.'' Which means that details given by a person are posted on the Internet site, irrespective of its credibility — a major flaw that all matrimonial advertisements, irrespective of the medium, share as a rule. ``But so far we have never come across a case when someone posted false information,'' Mr. Suresh added.
Given that BharatMatrimony.com does not check for authenticity, there is a possibility, however remote, of someone misusing the information in the database, even though Mr Suresh said, ``We do not mention the residential addresses of the prospective brides and grooms in the
Internet database. We provide only the e-mail address.''
The price for the service seems reasonable: Rs. 300 for three months or Rs.500 for six months for resident Indians, and $15 for three months and $25 for six months for NRIs.
The price, you will agree, is the least of the problems.
Despite the hi-tech talk of portals and websites, and off-line and on-line contacts, the traditional system of negotiations still holds. The price of the groom, the material support system, the currency transactions are all discussed thread-bare, provided the endorphins of the prospective bride and groom induce the attraction and pave the way for further negotiations. What finally matters is the need — the need to get married, and the need of the parents to give their beloved grown-up child in marriage.
The desperation was evident when Chandran said, ``We have tried our best. We are interested in a specific sub-caste among Nairs, but we have failed to get one so far. So we thought, Why not take a chance here,'' His 28-year-old pretty sister sat waiting right behind. Waiting for things to happen. Hoping for the event that will meet the socially accepted norm for her to become a complete woman.
(Names have been changed to protect the identity of service-users.)
Pics by S. Mahinsha.
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