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Widows unite to throw off loneliness
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Widows have decided to come under one umbrella to share their joys and sorrows. LEELA MENON reports on the recent meet they had at Kochi
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Widows' problems are no different from women's problems. Right? No, say widows. Hence their desire to establish a network of widows across the state. Started initially in Thiruvananthapuram, the All Kerala Widows Association has expanded to five more districts. It opened its innings in Kochi recently, with nearly a hundred widows assembling at Chilavannoor near here to examine how they can improve their quality of life and social status, and bridge their social isolation. Traditionally conceived as ill omens, widows tolerate the social indictment and tend to fade into the background. ''We want to project the rights of widows,'' said Suseela Nair, president of the All Kerala Widows Association.
Do widows have separate rights? For instance, pension for widows with sons is currently denied by the authorities, a widow explained.
According to Dr.Vijayalakshmi, Director of the Women Empowerment and Human Resource Development Centre of India, who was present at the meeting, widows in the new century do have social status, much like other women. Though the fact remains that women as a whole do not have an elevated social status in this century in India.
But widowhood does pose problems for widows, especially when and if they are not empowered. And very seldom are they empowered. Being used to decisions made for them they are unable to resume and take hold of life, and make the right decisions. It is not unoften that widowed women get cheated by relatives and others. It is necessary for widows to enhance their potential and exercise their individuality instead of standing by waiting for the world to come to their rescue. Most of them perceive themselves as helpless.
Unlike Tessy. Tessy became a widow in her thirties but she has been able to gather the reins of the business her husband was building up. ``I have no time to brood and curse my fate. I learnt about the business and now I administer it. I have also been able to expand the business and wherever possible I try to help out women,'' she said. And she made one point: That she seldom dwells in the past.
``Whenever memories come to haunt me I brush them aside. I do not allow them to invade me and allow myself to soak in self pity.''
But how many women are empowered psychologically to do that? ''I met one old Adivasi woman who had an alcoholic husband who never worked. The woman worked and earned a pittance which the husband promptly divested off her. He came back drunk and always beat her up. I saw her ear swathed in bandages and when I asked her the reason she said it was bruised by her husband when he threw a stone at her. I asked her why she clung to him and she told me, `He is a companion for me at night.(Anthikkoottu)' It is this concept that keeps many women clinging to their husbands,'' Vijayalakshmi said.
Most widows felt isolated, islands adrift in a vast sea, without help and succour. They are confused and traumatized. Being used to caring and sharing worries, bringing up children, and discussing life's choices, women suddenly are adrift in widowhood and social alienation finding it difficult to adjust. They are also steeped in superstitions, nurtured traditionally, like the belief that widows are inauspicious. Such superstitions deprive women of the ability to make social adjustment in widowhood. That is why there was sati, explained Vijayalakshmi. Women are illequipped to combat loneliness. And it is loneliness that drives women to depression and other mental problems. She begins to feel that no one is interested in her, as her husband was. Even drunken husbands or husbands who illtreated wives acquire halos when they die, enhancing the dimensions of suffering..., it was explained at the meeting.
The Widows Association aims to fill this lacuna of loneliness, by offering to come to each other's help, to share the trauma and suffering of members. It offers a platform for widows to air their problems, and figure out alternatives. They can also explore options before them with the help of other women. What is crucial however is the acquisition of the ability to withstand loneliness, see it as an empowering tool. Says Kamala Surayya: Loneliness can also be enriching. One can get up when one likes, sleep when one likes, read the books one wants or surf the channel as one likes. There is freedom, including the freedom not to share a bed.
Her view is endorsed by another divorcee-turned widow. ''I am a single woman, not a widow.'' Perhaps that is the concept widows should inhere and learn to project, instead of viewing themselves as widows. ``We want to expand the network to other districts so that we can help each other and come to each others rescue.
Besides, we can also acquire bargaining powerand social clout when we have an association, Suseela Nair says.
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