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Trials despite triumphs
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While children move to greener pastures abroad, parents are left in a state of limbo. SABITA RADHAKRISHNA writes about the plight of the new parent generation.
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"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams... " - Kahlil Gibran<18>
THE NEW Parent Generation (NPG) prides itself on a refreshing perception of the relationship with their children. No longer possessive, these parents encourage their children to seek new avenues of education accented with wonderful career options. The NPG is `young' at 50 and 60 plus, health conscious with a positive attitude and determined to keep interests alive. With this infallible exterior, the NPG nudged children into seeking fresh pastures.
Harking back to the 20th century while some South Asians continued to immigrate to communities that had been established in the 19th century diaspora, others struck out for new destinations in the U.S., Canada, the U.K and European countries, and later Australia and the Middle East.
Immigration to the U.S. came in two waves, the first from 1907-1924 and the second, which was a huge wave from 1965 to the present where the feverishness of "going to the States" made it out to be Dick Whittington's city of gold.
Almost every family today has a member settled abroad. By 1990, nearly one million South Asians had immigrated to the U.S. A large percentage of South Asians in the second wave were professionals.
Currently, the largest concentration of immigrants and Americans of South Asian descent is in California and New York, while Canada reports around 5,000 immigrants. By the middle of 1980s, South Asians composed more than half of the non-white population in the U.K. After the country began to reverse its previously discriminatory policies in the 1960s, South Asians began to settle in Australia and some professionals were drawn to Austria and Germany.
Parents have a son and a daughter. Neither of the children wants to leave India, especially the son. An IIT graduate, he qualifies in nuclear physics. Father thinks he has dim prospects in India, and sends him to the U.S., not before he is enjoined in holy matrimony. Daughter, since "she is different from most Indian girls" is suitably wed to a man residing in U.S.
Today, parents regret that they do not have their offspring around them, and have yet to see a grandchild. Age catches up with them and being the kind whose life centred round their children, there is a painful vacuum. The children cannot be persuaded to return as each is comfortable in his /her own niche. Parents make the periodic visits to stay with their children but find it exhausting, and the visiting children cannot stay in India for more than two weeks. Meanwhile, the trials and tribulations of the elderly in India remain unaddressed. There is an estimated 77 million elderly compared to the 19 million, 50 years ago. Of the total population, the 60 plus age group is currently seven per cent and this figure is expected to double in 25 years. Geriatrics has to be given priority with a general wellness of the body and mind to make the older people contributing citizens of India.
Look at the following cases. Parents have one son. After engineering, he accepts a scholarship from Stanford, completes his M.S., lands an upwardly mobile job, and waits for his H1 visa to get married. Contrary to his promises and parents' expectations, the son doesn't want to return to India as "he has too many things going for him over there".
The wife misses familial support, especially when she is expecting. So, the mother visits her daughter before the baby is due, staying on for a couple of months. Next is the turn of the mother-in-law. Some mothers complain that they have become glorified ayahs. "In my home, I have the comfort of servants. In my daughter's/son's home, I have to do just about everything, besides looking after the baby. I am terrified that I will fall ill over there. It is so much easier if she comes over to have the baby in India!"
Children visit parents every other year. The house is agog with arrangements and The Visit is the highlight of parents' lives. The father is quite unwell. He puts on an impeccable mask and charming smile and assures the son he is well. Friends tell the son that his father is quite sick and has lost lot of weight. The son objects to the Indian concept of viewing weight loss as a disease. He remarks that the father never looked better. On second thoughts, he volunteers to give his parents a car and a driver to enable them to be mobile. He receives a polite refusal. The son feels rebuffed.
A few months later, the father passes away. The son comes to light the funeral pyre as most NRI sons do dutifully. He worries over his mother, whose health too is failing. He sees only one solution — she should go with him to the US. She is vehement in her refusal. He urges her to try it out for six months. She does, and says she does not want to visit the U.S. ever again. And no, she will not take up permanent residence with her children.
Is there a meeting point?
(To be concluded)
Illustration: Sasikumar
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