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The choice is within
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Marital discord is on the rise on account of various changes in today's fast-paced world. While some couples continue to live together, there are others who break away. SUDHEENDRA PUTTY checks out why fissures develop in marriage.
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KAMALA EMPLOYED in a private company, came out of a nasty marriage; a year which was more a nightmare for her. "I didn't know if I would see the sun rise the next morning." She filed for a divorce. However, she was fortunate to find happiness in her second marriage. Kamala's is one of those rare examples. With economic independence being the new age mantra and most couples choosing to take up challenging and time-consuming careers, there is not enough time for family and home. The result - stress, lack of communication leading to conflicting situations. Often divorce seems to be the only solution. However, despite the increasing number of divorces, the institution of marriage has remained sacrosanct. There are any number of couples going in for second marriages to find that lasting security and happiness. So what ails present-day marriages? Psychologists aver that several factors have contributed to these brittle relationships..
One, economic liberalisation has not only brought in more money; it has also brought in a share of emotional problems. The number of working couples has increased manifold in the last decade as have the problems faced by them. To the extent of even jeopardising their relationships itself. In most cases where both spouses are working, quality time spent together is the biggest casualty. The entry of multinational companies that provide back office support to the client companies in the other time zone has added to the problem as night shifts have become a must. Says Sharad Sinha, a chartered accountant, "at the end of the day, both spouses are exhausted and each brings in his or her share of problems, worries and pressures.'' Adds Padmini, a receptionist who is to marry a guy from a very conservative family, "despite the fact that both the husband and wife maybe working, often it is the wife who has to adjust and yet come and work at home after a hectic day at office." Working women also have to put up with the ego hassles of their husbands. Not many husbands actually relish the thought of the wife earning more money.Another factor that is contributing to the shaky relations between the spouses is late marriages. Explains Dr. Prabhakar Korada, consultant psychiatrist, "despite some evils, early marriages had some advantages. When married early, the husband and wife would grow, learn and explore life together. That brought in a great deal of understanding. But, today, for one reason or the other, you have late marriages by which time, certain rigidity in perception and understanding sets in. The same degree of understanding with the other spouse is difficult; the thought process and ideas are already well set and can't be changed easily. The compatibility is hit."The increasing number of pre-marital relationships is also playing havoc with post-marital relationships. Strange though it may seem, the very guys and girls who enjoy every freedom in life, fail to convince their parents when it comes to marriage. Few are able to talk over the matter with the parents and instead simply bow to their parents' wishes and dumping their sweethearts. This could have disastrous consequences in post-marital relations.The quality of life -- as distinguished from money and material comforts -- is also gradually coming down with people merely existing and not leading a life. Career advancement seems to be the prime consideration for both men and women. Education brings in financial independence for the women and once they taste this the thirst for it is more. Previously women were forced to give more and adjust and did so as they could not stand on their own feet. The hegemony of the male - a characteristic in a patriarchal society is no longer tolerated. Today a girl would rather live on her own than take any nonsense - be it physical violence or mental torture.
The appearance of children on the scene only adds to the fragility of the relationship. The joint family system is now consigned to history and this exacerbates the position. Even here it is invariably the mother who is accountable for the children. Discord sets in when the husband is asked to assist. Yet there are couples who carry on with their marriage for the sake of their children.
Marriage needs a lot of give and take to make it work. Each partner should be willing to give a free hand to the other and a lot of space. This is where problems crop in. The solutions are not far to seek. It follows that there is a need to understand the other person's point of view. "That'', says Padmini, "is an euphemism for compromise. After all life is full of such compromises. We can't help it.'' The financial and economic constraints too cannot be brushed aside easily. The situation today demands that both the spouses have to work and this calls for some compromise as well. Says Sharad Sinha, "the financial and family background of the girl are not any longer considered important for a marriage. Most guys are looking for well-qualified girls and they wouldn't want to sit at home doing nothing. The relationship would be hurt that way too.'' Let's also not forget the mother-in-law factor where it exists. Apparently, a balance must be struck. For instance, Sharad's wife Kirti is also a chartered accountant and they practise together. "In a way that helps us understand each other better and we get closer,'' she says. Taking a holiday at regular intervals and spending time over the weekends too can help. There is a much larger issue that needs to be understood and addressed. Western influence and the urgent need to stop blindly aping "alien culture''. Ignoring our own culture and traditions and blindly following the western culture is what is causing all the disturbance. With life getting to be fiercely competitive, scant attention is being paid to spiritual and physical needs. The break up of the joint family system has also been a jolt since it helped in absorbing stress and strain to a large extent. Most pertinently in the context of marriages, there is a perceptible change in the thinking and the mindset of the younger generation. They are looking at what is `my right' in a marriage and have forgotten `the duty' that matrimony entails. That holds good for any relationship. Mutual adjustment. That sums it up all. To the remarriage of "a gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage", Dr. Samuel Johnson once remarked, "The triumph of hope over experience".
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