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A question of expression
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The mother plays diverse roles today - as homemaker, breadwinner, friend, guide and parent. The bond between a mother and children exists despite the changing relationship. One needs to show love and affection to one's mother irrespective of Mother's Day.
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Dr Aruna Pagdi (inset) with son Atith and daughter Niti
THOUGH MOTHER'S Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day are gaining currency in India, the spirit of the occasions still seem alien to the Indian mind. Our society, unlike the West, is built on duties rather than rights. A son's duty towards his parents, a husband's duty to his wife, a daughter-in-law's towards her in-laws, is all well defined and acted out day in and day out in all our families. As this forms the essential bulwark of our society, everyday is a family's day, where love, concern and care are expressed all the time, without needing a special mention.
Aruna Pagadi, a lecturer in Kasturba Gandhi College, and a mother of two teenage children, Athit and Niti, echoes the sentiment. She says, in the West children leave home by the time they are 16 or 18, ostensibly to `find themselves' and rarely live with their parents. Therefore they need some such occasions to remind them about the existence of parents. In India the bonds between the parent and child go well beyond 30 or 40 years, till the children themselves have their own kids and the parents' role is minimised.
However the complexion of this bond has been drastically changing over the years. If there is one quality that overrides all others it is the ` freedom' or `liberal attitude' that underlines every present day parent-child relationship.
Every parent spoken to, recalled with a twinge of regret the claustrophobic atmosphere of their childhood, where parents' word was law and `choice' and `freedom' were unheard of. Gowri Dasari, a teacher in St. Alphons' School says, "I did not have a say even in the choice of husband, and I could not prevail in the choice of clothes or career of my child. I may disagree with his choice, but for the moment I have to pretend to agree with him, and may be dissuade him gently later".
There are many reasons why parents handle their children with kid gloves. First, they do not want their children to be deprived of the freedom they were denied in their childhood. Second, in the days gone by, either one lived in a joint family or had many brothers and sisters to pacify a youngster. But today in one or two-child families, if the child is rebuked, it has nowhere to go and ends up sulking and in severe cases goes into a depression. This forces the parents to do a delicate balancing act of giving a long leash, at the same time jerking it now and then.
Today, with myriad influences all around the already confused adolescent is even further bewildered. This leads to bad communication and inevitable lack of understanding. Arundati Gopal, a bank officer, says, at times she is tongue tied when it comes to dealing with her son Abhinav. "He is indifferent to his studies, but has a great gift of the gab. When I rebuke him, he sulks. Why can't he understand that my rebuke is a cry of anguish for his welfare? How will I ever get through to him, I wonder," is the resigned lament of a helpless mother.
According to Gowri, the onslaught of TV, cinema, disco, and peer pressure become too difficult for a child to handle and added, if both the parents are working, the situation takes a turn for the worse. The reason why more and more youngsters lack a strong character is, there are too many distractions and too few people to guide. But according to Hema Venkateshwarulu, who has spent most of her growing-up years abroad, if one is taught how to handle the distractions, they don't really matter.
Today's children look upon parents, especially the mother as more of a friend and demand more out of the relationship. They not only like them to be part of their activities but also feel they should be with the `in' crowd. Aruna says, her daughter, Niti, insists that she go to the gym and lose enough weight to get into jeans, like the other moms.
Gowri says, whether she likes it or not she sees to it that she is part of the activities and interests of her only son, Shubhashish, "that is the only way one can keep tabs on them", she laughs. Hema says, " even if the kids try to hide things from you, you can easily tell from their changed behaviour." "It is not very easy being a part of their world if they do not include you in it", says Arundati. But be it out of choice or compulsion, mothers seem to be as educated about MTV Fully Faltu, WWF or other things as their kids.
Surprisingly amidst all the freedom and bonhomie, the fathers seem to have managed to retain some of their old clout and the children pay due respect to the father's whip whenever he chooses to crack. Unfortunately the children were not around to vouch the claim.
But the whip does not always work. " My son's friend left home on being rebuked by the father, and did not come back till the father publicly apologised in print", says Arundati. This is true to a large extent, because mothers agreed that the only way to get through to their children was by talking or reasoning it out with them. Threats and emotional blackmail seldom worked.
"Children today are very independent", says Aruna, " and when a group of such strong-minded children come together, be it in school or at home, problems arise and here the parent has to take on the role of a diplomat".
Gowri blames parents more for the aggressive and selfish behaviour of the majority of the children today. She says, "once parents send children to school, they abdicate their responsibility in their growing- up process. They are so busy keeping up with the Joneses, the child is forgotten".
Whether we agree with the concept of Mother's Day or not, every Indian mother deserves it. For given the increasing complexity of her role, she seems to be coping admirably well, being a homemaker, breadwinner, friend, guide and protector to her children.
ARUNA MASARGUPPI
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