Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Coimbatore
Delhi
Hyderabad
Kochi
Madurai
Thiruvananthapuram
Visakhapatnam
Parents are from Mars
|
If the generation gap is to be bridged, elders must start listening to youngsters and allow them to be their natural selves.
|
What does freedom mean to a teenager?
GOD MADE teenagers with a definite purpose. One of which is to help parents confront all their contradictions and their conditioned responses to the issue of parenting. Little wonder then that children do act like parents despite all attempts to teach them good manners.
In a one-day seminar conducted by the Banjara Academy in Bangalore, several counsellors, teachers, parents and teenagers tried to figure out how to match the expectations of parents with those of their teenaged children.
Karan Bakre, a 17-year-old II PUC student of St. Joseph's College, showed how parents could be more tolerant of a newer way of living. "We don't argue with them for playing bhajans early in the morning, then why can't they allow us to listen to hard rock late in the night? And I can't understand why my baggy pants bother them?"
Adolescents who did not study well in college had their set of anxious parents — how can we motivate our children to study? And those with exceptionally brilliant teenaged children had their own set of problems. "If ever I tell my daughter not to spend hours on the phone, she just turns around and asks me: `Am I not getting my marks in college?'" says an anguished parent. This means that if you are a good student, parents cannot question you.
A very mature Sazana Jayadeva, studying in Mount Carmel's College, wonders why parents worry so much about teenagers. She does think that it is wrong on the part of teenaged children to think of their parents' lives as structured around their every need, yet she is not sure why parents don't listen enough. "We barely finish saying something and parents have already drawn their conclusions. They never let us complete our statements," she says.
Indu, a young beautician, seriously wished to know if older people had never in their teens been attracted to the opposite sex. She also attacked parents for avoiding discussions on sensitive issues. "It is such an easy way out to tell someone I don't want to discuss this with you."
Several counsellors feel that there is a need to "listen" to what the teenager is saying. Fr. Pradeep Sequeira, Rector, St. Joseph's School and Colleges, thinks that teenagers are confused with regard to values. They are exposed to different sets of values at home, at school, and with their peer group. The television and the Internet have added to this confusion. For instance, what does it mean to be free? The television might indicate that having a soft drink perpetually in your mouth or owning a bike is the ultimate in freedom. Parents have to help their children clarify their values. Parents must give more of their time to process these values.
Karan, however, has his own legitimate questions about time-tested values. "Why should I respect someone just because he or she was born before me? Why should I attend a ceremony where no one knows the meanings of the words they are chanting? Why should I choose friends who will please my parents' expectations?"
The question very often is one of having double standards. Teenaged children find their parents carrying outdated values while during their youth they would have flouted several norms. "If we are indisciplined, what right do we have to discipline our children?" asks Brinda Adige who runs a helpline for adolescents. She believes that if a child uses a phone for too long, parents have failed in raising the child's civic consciousness. If children are averse to temples and prayers, they have not been taught to distinguish between the ritual and the spiritual.
The onus clearly is on the parents. It is they who have to understand, be understanding and find a balance between authoritarianism and permissiveness. Dr. Shekhar Seshadri of NIMHANS maintains that adult relationships have to be structured on a cultural discourse. It is not wrong for a parent to have expectations from her/his child, but if expectation were the only premise on which the relationship is structured then that would be a very restricted experience. There is a difference between criticism and critical discourse, which schools and parents fail to recognise.
At 17, one feels sorry for Romeo and Juliet; at 47, one feels sorry for their parents! Issues may have changed over the years, but the conflict remains. There are a few handy solutions for parents though — like, don't compare, don't criticise, don't ridicule, don't sermonise.
Dr. Ali Khwaja, a counsellor and trainer at Banjara Academy, feels that adolescents must be encouraged to set their own goals. The present generation of teenagers has no proper role models and so parents have to become those role models.
The adage at office is: the boss is always right. At home, the adage changes to: parents can never be right. They either push you too hard or they did not push you that extra mile. They are too ambitious for you or then they did not tell you of alternative opportunities. They either don't let you make mistakes and learn for yourself or else they don't correct you when they know that you are wrong.
Well, whatever happened to that bundle of joy?
MEENAKSHI SHIVRAM
Printer friendly
page
Send this article to Friends by
E-Mail
Metro Plus
Bangalore
Chennai
Coimbatore
Delhi
Hyderabad
Kochi
Madurai
Thiruvananthapuram
Visakhapatnam
|
