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Unruly kids
I have two sons, aged 6 and 9. Though they are good at studies, both annoy me no end. One day, while I was feeding the younger child, the other started troubling me. The misbehaviour of the elder one is increasing by the day. The younger one imitates his brother and the house is in a mess. I'm unable to control my children. My husband accuses me of overindulgence. Strangely, he never utters a word when the kids misbehave. Please advise.
D.P., Thiruvananthapuram
PARENTING STYLES have undergone a change with the transformation from the joint family to the nuclear family system. The conventional ways of dealing with children have been found ineffective. Psychologists have observed that parents employ a combination of two factors to bring up their children. These are love and control. The proportion of these two varies from parent to parent. Depending on the proportion, the parenting styles can be classified into four. They are:
The authoritarian style in which parents employ high level of control and low level of love.
The neglecting style in which parents employ low level of control and low level of love.
The permissive style in which parents employ low level of control and high level of love.
The authoritative style in which parents employ high level of control and high level of love.
Psychologists believe that of the above, authoritative parenting is the most healthy, as children do not feel unloved and at the same time, parents have adequate control over them.
Misunderstanding of parental behaviour occurs when parents control the kids without expressing love. Thus, the question, how to control children?
Psychologists have discovered that when control accompanies love, the feeling of being constrained is minimised.
Children must feel that your love is unconditional and that it will be there in abundance whatever they do. The attitude `I will love you only if you study or do something good' should not be present. Deprivation of love should not be employed as a punishment.
Controlling children is one of the prime duties of parents. When a child resists your control, ask him what he would have done if he were in your place.
During holidays, ask them to run the house for a day. This is an excellent way to make them understand why parents behave the way they do.
KRISHNA PRASAD SREEDHAR
(Krishna Prasad Sreedhar is the head of the Department of Psychology, University of Kerala. He was awarded the Fulbright Travel Grant in 1973 for higher studies and was with the Departments of Psychology and Human Development and Family Life of the University of Kansas at Lawrence in the U.S.)
Address your questions to mindquest1@rediffmail.com or Mindquest, Metro Plus, The Hindu, Airport Road, Vallakadavu, Thiruvananthapuram - 695008.
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