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Photo: K. R. Deepak

Appreciation Make it count

But, when in excess, praise does more harm than good. And, it does not prevent kids from underperforming. Be it from parents or teachers, only deserving appreciation works.

Kids who receive an overdose of praise are more likely to exhibit helplessness when they encounter problems. Academic performance is just one of them.

“Praise has to be genuine, meaningful and reassuring,” says M.Thirunavukkarasu, National President-Elect of the Indian Psychiatric Society. “When it comes to children, whatever be the response, it has to be consistent. Only then does it become real, and the children will feel secure,” he adds.

False praise creates conflict in children. It makes them feel insecure and they tend to become diffident.

“Because they stand exposed when they get punishment from their teachers, and they begin to doubt their capabilities,” he adds. The first and easy defence is to stay withdrawn. “They become anxious,” says consultant psychiatrist Ponni Muralidharan.

That is when they become ‘difficult children’.

“Such children will always be doubtful about everything, including relationships, and it affects their personality traits,” warns Dr. Thirunavukkarasu, who has done extensive studies on ‘difficult children’.

Focussing on praise and avoiding criticism makes everybody feel good. But children who have high self-esteem may become rude and uncooperative when they are criticised.

“They lose faith in their parents and think they can easily fool them. But, when it comes to a hostile world, they tend to become brash and aggressive,” adds Dr. Ponni. For instance, when they realise that they are not good enough, unduly praised children will have problems taking up board exams because of fear of becoming everyone’s laughing stock. “What is required is realistic feedback. Because, be it undue praise or criticism, both can trigger neurotic disorder in children,” explains Ponni.

Scholastic Corporation, the world’s largest publisher and distributor of children’s books, which also brings out educational materials and magazines for children, has raised this issue in its Scholastic instructor magazine, which is distributed abroad.

The cover story says that when over-praised, kids may start to focus on the reward rather than what they are learning. And, failure can be devastating and confusing for a student whose confidence is based on inflated ego, rather than his or her actual abilities.

So, how do parents strike a balance?

“Simple. Become a good friend,” says Tahsin Chacko, who heads the Tamil Nadu division of Scholastic India. Emotional support from parents is also important.

“The problem arises when parents think that by praising, children will rise to their expectations. Whey they fail, they adopt strong punishment tactics such as disconnecting cable TV. Praise and criticism, both have to be mild,” she adds.

Teachers also have bigger roles to play. Instead of over-praising achievers, they should identify the strengths of other children and highlight them.

Even if it’s a small task such as house work, appreciate the effort but don’t overdo it, advises S. Shanmugham, executive member of Indian Association for Pre-school Education.

“This way, the child feels a sense of belonging and develops an inclination to help again,” he adds.

“Children should be taught to handle both failure and success. In schools, teachers should balance their praise for children who are good at academics along with those who are good in sports, music, or arts and crafts, good manners, etiquette and social behaviour,” he adds.

But all agree that positive thinking and giving kids a little boost is a good thing.

“Be it a four-year-old or a 16-year-old, all of us likes to be praised. But in children, this ‘extra-boost’ for an ability that is not there gives them false hope. And, this over-confidence leads to disappointment when they fail to achieve,” Tahsin adds.

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